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Meredith
Mary
Heather
Angie
Lisa
Jen
Bronwyn
Whitney
This is a story about apologies.
…and the unexpected wisdom of
The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City.
Also it contains sound.
Tap the left side to go back, right to go forward
(or use the keyboard < > )
Meredith
Mary
Heather
Angie
Lisa
Jen
Bronwyn
Whitney
This is a story about apologies.
…and the unexpected wisdom of
The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City.
Also it contains sound.
Tap the left side to go back, right to go forward
(or use the keyboard < > )
It all started when Mary said that Jen “smelled like hospital.”
Mary talking about her friendship with Jen.
Mary explains what broke her friendship with Jen.
S1E1 Mary explains what broke her friendship with Jen.

Let’s rewind.

Mary Cosby and Jen Shah are cast members on The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City.

If this show isn’t on your radar, it’s time to fix that. As one of the newest installments of the Real Housewives franchise, it follows the lives of wealthy women living in or near Salt Lake City, Utah, and delivers top-tier drama.

The entire cast standing in a row next to the title of the show
From the first episode, it’s clear Jen and Mary don’t see eye to eye. Why? One unforgettable comment: Mary said that Jen “smelled like hospital.”
Mary explains the incident.
Mary & Jen share their sides of the story.
S1E1 Mary & Jen share their sides of the story.
Fast forward a bit, and the two are at a party together. Jen is still holding onto the comment and wants an apology from Mary.
Jen and Mary are at a party, and Jen confronts Mary.
Jen wants an apology from Mary.
S1E1 Jen wants an apology from Mary.

What makes for a good apology?

Research on the subject highlights some recurring themes.

  • ☑️ say you’re sorry
  • ☑️ own it
  • ☑️ show remorse
  • ☑️ commit to do better in the future

Let’s see how Mary handles it.

❌ Explaining it away
❌ Disputing the exact wording
❌ Deflecting to the messenger
❌ No remorse here…
It doesn’t end well.
(It rarely does.)
Jen makes a dramatic exit.
S1E1 Jen makes a dramatic exit.

In the world of reality television, apologies are a central theme.

People are constantly wronging each other, confronting each other, demanding apologies, and—more often than not—sidestepping them. We can tell the apologies don’t work because the same issues resurface in the next episode, again and again.

The apologies on the show often fall short.
S5E2 The apologies on the show often fall short.

To understand just how bad these apologies are, I went through every episode of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City and documented the apology moments.

Heather Gay screaming “receipts, proof, timeline, screenshots” in Season 4.

These are 187 moments when an apology was being attempted or demanded. Almost every episode has at least one, including the moment we just saw of Jen storming out in Season 1, Episode 1.

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ep #1
ep #94
A chart showing 91 episodes of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City with markings where the apology moments occur.

And while some cast members do a better job than others, it’s clear that bad apologies are as central to the show (if not more) than good ones.

Good vs. bad apologies by cast member

Lisa Barlow
5 seasons
19%
81%
Jen Shah
3 seasons
50%
50%
Heather Gay
5 seasons
65%
35%
Whitney Rose
5 seasons
46%
54%
Meredith Marks
5 seasons
56%
44%
Angie Katsanevas
2 seasons
50%
50%
Mary Cosby
3 seasons
20%
80%
Monica Garcia
1 season
67%
33%
Bronwyn Newport
1 season
33%
67%
Jennie Nguyen
1 season
33%
67%
Show

Why are the women of RHOSLC so bad at apologizing?

To find out, I watched all 94 episodes and dissected some of the messiest moments with a therapist.

This show is unwittingly a masterclass in how not to apologize, which turns out to hold valuable lessons for all of us on how to get it right.

Whitney, Lisa, Jen, Meredith, and Heather pose in a row.

This is how many times each cast member has said the word “sorry”.

This is excluding times where the word was used outside of the context of an apology. Some people say it freely, others not so much.

Total "sorry"s by cast member

Lisa Barlow
5 seasons
65
Jen Shah
3 seasons
49
Heather Gay
5 seasons
40
Whitney Rose
5 seasons
38
Meredith Marks
5 seasons
21
Angie Katsanevas
2 seasons
16
Mary Cosby
3 seasons
14
Monica Garcia
1 season
10
Bronwyn Newport
1 season
5
Jennie Nguyen
1 season
3

Is saying “sorry” what makes an apology?

The presence of the word is a decent proxy for a good apology. If someone doesn’t want to say “I’m sorry,” it feels like they’re sidestepping a true apology. There’s a lot present in the two words—taking ownership, showing remorse. It’s simple, but powerful.

Take a look at this moment–Jen is attempting to apologize, but just can’t help adding some more after the “sorry.”
The women are all sitting around hashing out their conflicts.
The women air their grievances with a hypnotist.
S1E12 The women air their grievances with a hypnotist.
That’s psychotherapist Lazarus Lynch. I showed him some scenes from the show to get his take.
Lazarus overlaid overtop of the clip of Jen.
The hypnotist tries to get Jen to say "sorry."
S1E12 The hypnotist tries to get Jen to say "sorry."
Lazarus explains the power of simply saying “sorry.”
Lazarus explains the power of simply saying “sorry.”

But at the same time, we don’t want to give “sorry” too much weight. Sometimes the word becomes a magic wand, a shortcut to accomplishing everything an apology needs without trying.

Like here, where Britani decides she wants to “officially” apologize for saying rude things about Bronwyn’s husband. She goes through the motions, but it doesn’t land.
Britani confronts the group during a gathering.
Britani apologizes and Bronwyn is not buying it.
S5E10 Britani apologizes and Bronwyn is not buying it.
Or here, where Lisa repeatedly shouts “I’m sorry for your loss!” at Whitney, which also doesn’t land.
Whitney is hurt, but Lisa gets defensive.
Whitney is hurt, but Lisa gets defensive.
S4E12 Whitney is hurt, but Lisa gets defensive.

So while a simple “sorry” can accomplish a lot, it doesn’t always equate to a good apology.

When I first started going through these apology moments, I figured a key piece of what would make for a good apology was that it seemed genuine.

But Lazarus said he actually doesn’t consider genuineness to be the most important part of a good apology—just because someone seems sorry doesn’t necessarily mean they really are or that real healing will happen.

That might help explain this: here are Jen Shah’s apologies. Fans of the show might be surprised that she has the second most total apologies (despite only 3 seasons as a main cast member) and many of them are classified as “good.”

Good vs. bad apologies by cast member

Lisa Barlow
5 seasons
19%
81%
Jen Shah
3 seasons
50%
50%
Heather Gay
5 seasons
65%
35%
Whitney Rose
5 seasons
46%
54%
Meredith Marks
5 seasons
56%
44%
Angie Katsanevas
2 seasons
50%
50%
Mary Cosby
3 seasons
20%
80%
Monica Garcia
1 season
67%
33%
Bronwyn Newport
1 season
33%
67%
Jennie Nguyen
1 season
33%
67%
Show
Jen actually does apologize a lot. And she does a good job. She owns it, she shows remorse, vows to do better. Like here, where she apologizes to Meredith and Seth for gossipping about their marriage.
At the reunion show, Jen apologizes to everyone.
Jen has said hurtful things about everyone.
S1E16 Jen has said hurtful things about everyone.
Or here, where she apologizes for her behavior while also sharing context on her childhood that helps explain (but not excuse) her actions.
The women are all gathered for a fancy luncheon.
Jen says she's coming from a place of love.
S1E4 Jen says she's coming from a place of love.

So, is Jen the queen of apologies and healthy, harmonious relationships?

Not so much. The problem with many of Jen’s apologies is that after these moments, she turns around and finds herself in the same situations again. There are clearly no lasting changes to her behavior.

Perhaps these believable yet flimsy apologies shouldn’t come as a surprise from someone who is currently in prison for a career of fraud.

S1E9 Jen throws her drink.
S1E10 Jen threatens Whitney.
S3E9 Jen pours champagne on Angie.
S3E10 Jen throws Angie’s shoes off a boat.
There’s more to an apology than what is said in the moment. There’s also what happens after the apology.
Lazarus offers more insight.
Lazarus explains that follow-through matters.
Lazarus explains that follow-through matters.

If the goal of an apology is to create healing, change on the other side needs to be demonstrated for it to hold up.

This also explains why so many issues on the show recur again and again, ready to be brought up at any minute. The final step of actually facing the thing you apologized for, bettering yourself, and being different rarely occurs.

Whitney says the group never moves on.
S5E9 Whitney says the group never moves on.

Whew.

It can be infuriating to watch these ineffective apologies and constant conflict.

As audience members, we feel like we can see where they went wrong, why the apologies aren’t working, thinking we would do better if we were in their shoes.

But would we?

Let’s consider their situation: On this show, women who barely get along are forced to spend a lot of time together. They are encouraged by producers to share their feelings, air their grievances, and confront each other, which all make for great TV. And frequent, if messy, apology attempts.

Would we really do much better if we were forced to manage conflict this much?

Apologies are just really hard.

And there’s a deeper reason for that. Let’s look at a moment from Lisa Barlow, who has the most opportunities to apologize, but seems to be the worst at it.

Good vs. bad apologies by cast member

Lisa Barlow
5 seasons
19%
81%
Jen Shah
3 seasons
50%
50%
Heather Gay
5 seasons
65%
35%
Whitney Rose
5 seasons
46%
54%
Meredith Marks
5 seasons
56%
44%
Angie Katsanevas
2 seasons
50%
50%
Mary Cosby
3 seasons
20%
80%
Monica Garcia
1 season
67%
33%
Bronwyn Newport
1 season
33%
67%
Jennie Nguyen
1 season
33%
67%
Show
Here, Meredith shares that she didn’t feel like Lisa was there for her when her father died.
Lisa defends herself.
S2E23 Lisa defends herself.
Lazarus reacts to Lisa’s apology.
Lazarus reacts to Lisa’s apology.

This gets to the heart of what makes apologies hard.

I actually relate to Lisa a bit here. No one wants to be seen as bad.

It’s easy to fall into this trap when asked to apologize: mistaking it for an attack on one’s character, and getting defensive.

It’s as if, suddenly, the conversation is not simply about the fact that I picked up the wrong salad greens from the store. It’s about something much bigger and more threatening: whether you see me as a good person, and more importantly, whether deep down I do.

This moment from psychologist and author on apologies Harriet Lerner’s Ted Talk encapsulates it well.

From Lisa Barlow to the everyday people-pleaser, apologies can tear at our innermost ego.

They ask us to take a raw, honest, and sometimes painful look at ourselves.

So instead, we ghost. We withhold. We nurture resentment.

The Real Housewives is actually a fascinating case study of people reckoning with this deeply human challenge (for our amusement).

We started out with a notion of good and bad apologies, but apologizing well is not only deeply hard, but deeply subjective. Healing is complicated, and requires more than completing a checklist.

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ep #1
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A chart showing 91 episodes of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City with markings where the apology moments occur. Currently highlighting the fade apologies.

Healthy relationships will require us to both give and seek apologies.

They will require us to face the fact that we have caused pain, and to not turn away from it. They will require us to be honest about what hurts us.

If the women of RHOSLC are getting so much practice, why can’t we?